If I didn’t love you so much I could shock you, leave you, lie to you. Hurt you to try and wake you. This is not loves way. I can’t lie to you, I can’t hurt you or even pretend to leave you, no matter how many times you leave me.
I wish I could sometimes, I wish I could walk away, close the door, make you believe you’d gone too far and lost me, tested me to breaking point. Truth is I just stretch, I expand, I may vibrate with the tension, cry at the pain, but I bend and grow and wait a little more.
Each time I decide its enough, try to gather the shreds of my tattered ego, sweep up the fragments of my haughty self esteem, batten the hatches of my heart, I realise it’s just a charade, just smoke and mirrors. The pieces dissolve like fairy dust through my fingers, they never were broken, they never were real. The windows remain wide open and blowing in the gale. The latches were lost long ago.
The most painful part is the stories I tell myself about what it means to love you still. About how I demean and degrade myself by loving so entirely and unrelentingly. By taking each fist to the gut, my own flying fists in fact. I take your hand and slap my cheek with it. I throw rubber balls of need and desperation, they bounce off your defences and hit me between the eyes leaving my dazed and bruised and disorientated.
I don’t crawl in the dirt, I don’t peek through the windows in the rain, I don’t howl at the moon. I just live my life, walk my path and keep you in my heart. I don’t lock my heart away, deprive my body of loving touch or closet my potential waiting for your return, but I keep a candle burning for you, to light your way wherever you walk.
In moments of clinging, I catch no hold, you haul in your ropes and I flounder and fall back. Swim, float, build your own boat. Then I’ll welcome you aboard. You fear a drowning soul will sink your fragile ship.
And I realise I can stand, I can swim, I can fly if I want to. I am a fine vessel and the wind fills my sails. I am the ocean itself that bears your boat. As are you. There is no need for boats, when you are the ocean.