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I’m waiting for you to come to me, with open arms and open heart, with the courage and vulnerability to be with me as I am, hold space for my unravelling, enter into it with me. I’m waiting for you to come with arms to hold my thrashing sobs and lyrical release. and I will give you my surrender and my strength, my wisdom and my innocence, my joy and my pain.

An invitation to myself, to those strong hidden parts of my self, those raging raw parts of my self. Those feisty frustrated parts of myself. Those deep and still parts of myself. The strong arms inside me. The open arms inside me. The butterflies in my ribcage.

I’m giving birth to myself. It’s painful, it’s messy, I don’t know how long it will take. I might panic the cat before it’s done, I might feel scared and swear I can’t go on at times. But I know I can, I know it’s held and taken care of by the older, wiser mother in me.

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I’m wide awake and all of my energy is trapped in static, a film on pause
I’m waiting for something to pop, for you to take your thumb off the cork so I can spill out all over everyone

I feel flat but I know that give me just a little more space and air and I’ll be effervescent
Give me one crack in the windscreen and I’ll shatter it
I feel dense. Coiled. Poised. Restrained.

I’ve written the next scene in my head, but I’m just not ready for it to roll.
I know whatever side reality hits from, she will come in like a tsunami and I’ll have no choice but to be the wave and ride it to wherever I wash up inside myself.

So this is not what I pencilled in.
But you know, at midnight. I was love, I was gratitude, I was lightness.

This is just a moment. Let it be.

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I’m with you and yet you’re not here.
Planning, working out, thinking why etc etc
Then I remember to let it go
Love is calling me, but then it calls me everywhere, and always
That’s why it’s confusing, that’s why it’s crucial and irrelevant that I come to be with you physically
That’s why you have many faces and sometimes I can’t find you anywhere because you are nothing and everything at once.
That’s why I think I know who you are, and I never can grasp you
That’s why I miss your touch,and can never touch you
That’s why you are always someone new
And I never know who I am
I never quite know why I do what I do.
Thinking thinking planning introspection
It’s all nothing
So I can relax
And the emptiness feels lonely and too light
And I miss the substance of grief.
Holding me down
Grounding in its visceral intensity
So what am I afraid of?
That’s it’s very important
That’s it’s not important at all
That it’s love
That it’s nothing special
That it’s just like everything else
That it’s magic
That’s its impermanent
That it’s already gone
That it never was
That it always will be 
That I will always be seeking
That I will always be alone
That I cannot crawl back into anyone else’s skin for shelter from the intense reality of things
The intense beingness of everything
The unimportance of it, the impermanence of it
The total malleability and formlessness of it
The groundlessness and triviality of it
The eternal child’s play
Free from deep dramas of attachment everything is so light
How can I love you all with more intensity, when it feels so light?
How can I love you all without plugging into your pain
How can I be close to you without being drawn into your every emotional nuance
Feeling you from afar, not from inside your field, feels so very light and distant
I can walk away, nothing is holding me
And so I am utterly alone
If I’m not clinging to you
Following you
Keeping you always in my sight
I’m alone
You are all with me always
And yet I grieve and mourn for not being close up in life with you.
Yet when I’m close up in life with you it’s too much and I can’t be me.
Who am I and what is it I want to be anyway?
How can anything stop me from being me but myself?
And in that stopping, I am still me
In my flaws I am myself fully
Lose yourself but don’t
Just be here now
I don’t want to let it all go entirely. I want to be a bridge
Can I hold both?
Can I let it all be, allow, surrender, trust
And be active, be responsive, be present, be creating, be loving?
It is a dance I’m learning.
Every time I try to decide, discuss make long term plans it all feels so arbitrary and far off.
I’m not doing it any more.
No more planning.
No more figuring out the many roads from afar
No more working out what’s best
No more weighing up the options. 
Just be here now, and now, and now and respond to what life brings me.
Drop it all, with love.
See what happens.
Tell them, I’m making no plans
Let’s see
Bakkalim
Let life come
Stop trying to second guess, to leap ahead, to stay ahead of the game 
To run ahead of myself and scout for safe passage
Just step rock by rock up the river, and enjoy the rainbow.
Take off my shoes, expose my soft soles
Trust the roundness of the rocks and the silken leaves
The cool clear water
The bright sun and blue sky
The clouds that rain down life
The birds that surround the moment with song
Step by step by step we go along
Just this step, and this one and this one.
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