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Placing orders – listening to my heart’s desire

I was invited into a question today about reframing life challenges from the perspective of a heroine, perceiving breakdown as breakthrough. I received the invitation in the middle of a mini meltdown, with a tender aching heart and a paradoxical sense of something having gone wrong and gone right at the same time.

My feeling was that something had been missing from my order, that I was in an experience that was so nearly everything I desired to create in my life, and yet also so far from it. What had gone wrong? Was it me? Am I pushing away the very thing I desire? Is there something really missing or is it an old story in me that wants my attention to transform? All the usual self scrutiny and questioning arose.

As I reflected more I realised, that an integral part of the challenge had been about me not feeling clear on what I desired to bring into my life. I had felt clarity in the past, but in that moment, I didn’t feel clear. I was not placing any particular order, so how could anything be missing?

So I look back now to the last time I was clear, the last time I placed an order… and I realise, that there was nothing missing from my plate. Life brought me exactly what I ordered. At the time, without realising it, I was ordering just a bit less than what I truly desired because I thought that was all I would get. I was not ready to dig deep for what I truly desired, or – perhaps, to be kind to myself – it was the best formulation I had at the time for what was right for me right then.

That’s just exactly what I got. I’m so grateful for it and the experiences I had, knowing they were just right for me at the time. I’m grateful for the careful attention to detail from the universe. Everything was in fact just perfectly what I ordered.

What’s happened is, since I placed my order, I’ve had a hankering for something else, which I forgot to order, or was not feeling hungry for at the time. Now it’s time to place another order, and it’s edgy and it’s a stretch, and it’s time. What’s my heart’s desire and am I ready to receive it?

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Forged in the flames

“I will take friendship plus attraction any day over falling in love. For I am no fool for fickle: I search for a love that is built of friendship and can withstand the most merciless rains and flooding.”

~Waylon Lewis, Things I Would Like to Do with You. 

Maybe this is becoming true… And yet….the lover and the mystic in me adores the fire, the burning away, the raging, the purification, the vitality. In the end though, I look around and all is ashes.

Now that I am a little older. Now that I have held strong for so long in the heat of soul fire. Now that I am charcoal. I catch fire easily, I burn deep and hot. Still throbbing embers after the flames are gone.

If I can hold a little more heat, take a little more pressure, go a little deeper into the earth and closer to the molten core of it all. I’ll become a diamond. I’ll reflect back the dancing light of the flames and stand clear and shining in the heart of the hottest inferno.

What to do? Perhaps the friend, who can stand through all storms, is the diamond, forged in the fires of greatest intensity. Perhaps the way out is through. What to do?

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“This ache, this longing is the thread that guides me back through the labyrinth of compromises I have made, back to my soul’s desires… If we are never consumed by the transforming fire of our desires, we risk falling in love with the sweet ache of longing, the daydream of “what if…” or “someday…” — Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation Plus

Rising like a yell from deep in my belly and setting my whole body vibrating, a sudden eruption of desire consumes everything. To go, to stay, to be, to have, to do… Blacking out into satin soul chambers, gasping for breath and back into blinding light. Childish foot-stamping desire, fierce and violent burning desire, heart- achingly tender desire.

Calling me forward as I fight to look behind, the harder I resist the louder it calls. When I hold it in my belly it agitates and burns, leaves my back weak, my shoulders tense and my head aching from the strain. What else is stuck in there with it? Force to create, will to act, courage to be… When I say YES with my whole being, I spiral up and out like swifts on the wind.

Follow the tiniest of lights, the littlest spark of flame in the forest. Follow it into the darkness and into the morning. Hold it lightly in the palm of my hand and sit quietly with it. Find my way back through the trees to the thread, and follow it home.

“… desire was an entirely free sensation, loose in the air, vibrating, filling life with the will to have something – and that will was enough, that will carried all before it, moved mountains, made her wet…It is an emotion chosen by my soul, and it is so intense that it can infect everything and everyone around me.”

— Paulo Coehlo, Eleven Minutes.