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Placing orders – listening to my heart’s desire

I was invited into a question today about reframing life challenges from the perspective of a heroine, perceiving breakdown as breakthrough. I received the invitation in the middle of a mini meltdown, with a tender aching heart and a paradoxical sense of something having gone wrong and gone right at the same time.

My feeling was that something had been missing from my order, that I was in an experience that was so nearly everything I desired to create in my life, and yet also so far from it. What had gone wrong? Was it me? Am I pushing away the very thing I desire? Is there something really missing or is it an old story in me that wants my attention to transform? All the usual self scrutiny and questioning arose.

As I reflected more I realised, that an integral part of the challenge had been about me not feeling clear on what I desired to bring into my life. I had felt clarity in the past, but in that moment, I didn’t feel clear. I was not placing any particular order, so how could anything be missing?

So I look back now to the last time I was clear, the last time I placed an order… and I realise, that there was nothing missing from my plate. Life brought me exactly what I ordered. At the time, without realising it, I was ordering just a bit less than what I truly desired because I thought that was all I would get. I was not ready to dig deep for what I truly desired, or – perhaps, to be kind to myself – it was the best formulation I had at the time for what was right for me right then.

That’s just exactly what I got. I’m so grateful for it and the experiences I had, knowing they were just right for me at the time. I’m grateful for the careful attention to detail from the universe. Everything was in fact just perfectly what I ordered.

What’s happened is, since I placed my order, I’ve had a hankering for something else, which I forgot to order, or was not feeling hungry for at the time. Now it’s time to place another order, and it’s edgy and it’s a stretch, and it’s time. What’s my heart’s desire and am I ready to receive it?

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Don’t believe the hype

Wow. Today feels like a big hype day, a day where there are lots of capital letters. A New Moon and a Solar Eclipse offer a cosmic invitation for Big Releases and New Beginnings. It’s also International Women’s Day.

For me personally it’s also the Last Day of a wonderful 30 day challenge I have been taking part in (more to follow on that) and the First Session with a new coach. I’ve done some Big Releases and acquired some New Tools. It’s also the beginning of a New Chapter where I will be shortly moving to a new base and arranging my life and resources in a new way.

It all feels very much right this minute. I feel a pressure to come out shiny and glorious and embrace the massive newness and unlimited potential and epic joy of it all. To pull rabbits out of hats and scatter stardust all around.

It feels like. Way. Too. Much. Hype. I’ve been in with both feet for the build up, eager and excited for Big Shifts and Emergence. Waiting for the fanfare which heralds the grand event. Now I’m stopping – here at the threshold of pushing my dazzled self out onto a carnival float to dance the hula – and instead gathering myself up in loving arms to rest and to just be.

Yes I’m learning, yes I’m progressing, yes I’m growing, yes I’m healing. This is what our bodies and souls just do organically. We don’t need to be doing the doing, it is our nature. No need, really none, to press and push. It all happens, it all comes, it is all done.

These last weeks I’ve experienced huge shifts, internally and externally. Waves and voids and revelations. I haven’t made any of them happen, they have just been the content of my days, simply what happened.

Today I sit quietly and allow myself to be carried over the threshold. Stay in surrender. Allow the Dao.

I feel the slightly hysterical climactic energy of days like these in a similar way to the frenzy of Christmas. A layer of expectation is created which lays traps for the tenderness of souls. Paints a glittery gloss on the realness and rawness which is also present, which is always present where real growth and real healing is in play.

I celebrate too, I celebrate all the joy and the leaps and the new beginnings. For me the new beginning is this. It is being enough as I am, just right now. Not a carnival, not a dancing girl, not an empire being born. A butterfly, with soggy wings, exhausted from the struggle which formed it, from breaking through the cocoon of a former self, and wanting to get an early night with a hot water bottle.

It is knowing my expression is welcome.
It is knowing that I am here for me, and everyone benefits.
It is knowing that I am surrounded by love and support from all the divine beings in my life.
It is knowing that the entire physical universe exists to support me in physical form.
It is knowing that the more I let go, release and relax, the more I experience the support already provided for me.

This is what I am taking to bed tonight under the new moon.

“Practise not doing, and everything will fall into place” ~ Dao De Jing

I love you all, I share your joy, this quiet joy is mine today. The joy of self acceptance and feeling enough, at home in myself and safely held by life.

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Forged in the flames

“I will take friendship plus attraction any day over falling in love. For I am no fool for fickle: I search for a love that is built of friendship and can withstand the most merciless rains and flooding.”

~Waylon Lewis, Things I Would Like to Do with You. 

Maybe this is becoming true… And yet….the lover and the mystic in me adores the fire, the burning away, the raging, the purification, the vitality. In the end though, I look around and all is ashes.

Now that I am a little older. Now that I have held strong for so long in the heat of soul fire. Now that I am charcoal. I catch fire easily, I burn deep and hot. Still throbbing embers after the flames are gone.

If I can hold a little more heat, take a little more pressure, go a little deeper into the earth and closer to the molten core of it all. I’ll become a diamond. I’ll reflect back the dancing light of the flames and stand clear and shining in the heart of the hottest inferno.

What to do? Perhaps the friend, who can stand through all storms, is the diamond, forged in the fires of greatest intensity. Perhaps the way out is through. What to do?

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“Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together” — Pema Chodron

The much ridden and reported Rollercoaster, of life, of love, of evolution. The filthy U-bend and the glorious flow. As we climb higher, there’s further to drop, and the ride goes faster…

Beauty shines out of the integrity of being as we are, life being as it is. A warm dog by the fire sighing deep with satisfaction, a scared soul reaching out for comfort in their grief, the flaming warmth of dying leaves – radiating back to the sun, the deeply rooted sway of trees.

Everything can and does change in a moment. If I can be in this moment, I can change everything, every moment.

“As a warrior you take responsibility for holding the balance between light and dark within you and, by extension,  the world around you, and ultimately when you go deep enough,  the universe.”

— Barefoot Doctor