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Meh. Break Up Poems.

1.
Straight off the train and it’s hanging in the air.
Scanning everywhere
For a glimpse of a moment gone by.
I feel his hand on my thigh.
Your name in lights, literally, above the night.
Your name in lights, literally, above the night.
It’s that time again
When we began.
The air feels just right.
Such a waste and such wide-eyed delight…
Fireworks
Featured heavily
Inside and out.
I watched through the lens of love
And you were next to me
Seeing clearly
What was in front of you.
Seeing only that.

2.
I’m too finely tuned to tango.

I serve up my heart raw
Like a high delicacy
When I open
To dance.

You smell the iron sweetness
Emanating from my neck
And the hairs stand up
On the back of yours.

However far afield
I feel your radar find me
When I open and emit
My full embodied pulse.

It is safe and sad to be shut up tight,
My body sluggish and sorry
Headed for hibernation,
Hiding from hurt.

It is ravenous and mighty
To let all the feeling
Frozen deep in tight musculature
Throb and release
In salty dissolution.

It is all my beauty and power
Bound up
Packed away
Pushed away
Kept at bay.
Kept quiet.
Lest you hear its call and turn your head.

And it would be nothing to you
To undo me completely,
Surfing and swirling in salty, scarlet waves
To invigorate yourself
And leave me there in pieces.

So I dance alone far away
Safe without postcode
And just feel the pulsing sonar
Of your attention
Through my body
Like a drum.
Like a warning.
3.
If you just want
To pick at me
Like the lukewarm remains
Of a meal you weren’t really hungry for
At the time.
Do not.
4.
I am furious
That I let you touch me
So deeply.

I am outraged
That it meant
So little to you.

I am sad
That we do not know
How to love each other.

When you touch the heart
Of a woman
Whose love is an ocean.

Be ready
To feel the waves
When you dip in your toe.

Or stay on the beach and watch.
Perhaps I am too terrific to touch.
5.
All the things I love
That you love too:
When I celebrate them
I celebrate you.
Why is my face always leaking when I do?

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Placing orders – listening to my heart’s desire

I was invited into a question today about reframing life challenges from the perspective of a heroine, perceiving breakdown as breakthrough. I received the invitation in the middle of a mini meltdown, with a tender aching heart and a paradoxical sense of something having gone wrong and gone right at the same time.

My feeling was that something had been missing from my order, that I was in an experience that was so nearly everything I desired to create in my life, and yet also so far from it. What had gone wrong? Was it me? Am I pushing away the very thing I desire? Is there something really missing or is it an old story in me that wants my attention to transform? All the usual self scrutiny and questioning arose.

As I reflected more I realised, that an integral part of the challenge had been about me not feeling clear on what I desired to bring into my life. I had felt clarity in the past, but in that moment, I didn’t feel clear. I was not placing any particular order, so how could anything be missing?

So I look back now to the last time I was clear, the last time I placed an order… and I realise, that there was nothing missing from my plate. Life brought me exactly what I ordered. At the time, without realising it, I was ordering just a bit less than what I truly desired because I thought that was all I would get. I was not ready to dig deep for what I truly desired, or – perhaps, to be kind to myself – it was the best formulation I had at the time for what was right for me right then.

That’s just exactly what I got. I’m so grateful for it and the experiences I had, knowing they were just right for me at the time. I’m grateful for the careful attention to detail from the universe. Everything was in fact just perfectly what I ordered.

What’s happened is, since I placed my order, I’ve had a hankering for something else, which I forgot to order, or was not feeling hungry for at the time. Now it’s time to place another order, and it’s edgy and it’s a stretch, and it’s time. What’s my heart’s desire and am I ready to receive it?

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“This ache, this longing is the thread that guides me back through the labyrinth of compromises I have made, back to my soul’s desires… If we are never consumed by the transforming fire of our desires, we risk falling in love with the sweet ache of longing, the daydream of “what if…” or “someday…” — Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation Plus

Rising like a yell from deep in my belly and setting my whole body vibrating, a sudden eruption of desire consumes everything. To go, to stay, to be, to have, to do… Blacking out into satin soul chambers, gasping for breath and back into blinding light. Childish foot-stamping desire, fierce and violent burning desire, heart- achingly tender desire.

Calling me forward as I fight to look behind, the harder I resist the louder it calls. When I hold it in my belly it agitates and burns, leaves my back weak, my shoulders tense and my head aching from the strain. What else is stuck in there with it? Force to create, will to act, courage to be… When I say YES with my whole being, I spiral up and out like swifts on the wind.

Follow the tiniest of lights, the littlest spark of flame in the forest. Follow it into the darkness and into the morning. Hold it lightly in the palm of my hand and sit quietly with it. Find my way back through the trees to the thread, and follow it home.

“… desire was an entirely free sensation, loose in the air, vibrating, filling life with the will to have something – and that will was enough, that will carried all before it, moved mountains, made her wet…It is an emotion chosen by my soul, and it is so intense that it can infect everything and everyone around me.”

— Paulo Coehlo, Eleven Minutes.

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Heart, be brave. If you cannot be brave, just go. Love’s glory is not a small thing. ~ Rumi

The hurricane season of the heart, tearing through life. Right in the centre I’ll meet you, in the eye of the storm, where the air is still and the colours are brightest. Slow our heart’s beating to a deeper earthy pulse, resonating and reverberating, fingers entwined. Rest and be nourished to stand strong and separate through the raging vortex when it comes. You build your shelter, I’ll find mine. Go to ground and face the demons.

And when it passes, as everything does, we’ll walk on and pick up the pieces of this world that shimmer still from the rubble, gleaming with all that is good and real, and carefully, lovingly build a house of dreams for all.

If only I don’t bend and break

I’ll meet you on the other side

I’ll meet you in the light

If only I don’t suffocate

I’ll meet you in the morning when you wake

~ Keane,  Bend & Break