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Dear One

Dear One,

I adore you and I miss you and I don’t know what this sadness is but I know it isn’t love.

It’s something else that’s passing through that comes bubbling up when my heart is touched.

I’m grieving what feels like a loss even though I know you are not gone.

In fact you are closer than ever but feel very far away.

When we meet the light is blinding and the shadows loom.

I know you are busy with your priorities and that I am not one of them.

But hear me, I am your soul. I am with you always waiting for you to stop and to feel my presence.

Just stop a minute, breathe, put everything down, listen to the songs I am singing to you.

It’s very old stuff this feeling and this pattern, I know it.

I feel sad that I pour out vibrant rivers and you look away.

I feel sad that I am the ocean and you are thirsty.

I speak the pain of self-abandonment, clawing at passersby for relief from the gnawing inside.

If you don’t think this is about you, it almost certainly is.

Look deeper.

If you think this is about you, it almost certainly isn’t.

Look wider.

This is about all of us and its older than time.

We are two sides of the same coin, realising that we are at each other’s back always and yet believe we cannot see each other.

Don’t look around in front of you, sink back into what is holding you up. It was always there. It is a part of you. I am a part of you. We are whole.

I love you.

Be at home.

Rest in me.

Please.

I won’t leave.

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Let grief be an outpouring

“Let grief be an outpouring. When grief is allowed to exhaust its expression, then behind it is a profound silence, it’s like rest. No one can tell you when that rest is finished, it’s an intuitive thing” ~ Mooji

Saying bye bye to a heart’s companion today, a short but very sweet love connection with a little puppy being I have had the privelege of fostering, I have noticed how quite intense but uninhibited grief just pours out in bursts. And subsides. And pours again.

And this time, my relationship to it is different. I am totally okay with its presence and full expression. In front of other people, alone, with sound, without, at random moments. It feels really good and healthy, like good digestion. I’m not holding it in anywhere to deal with later on, I’m not holding on to its arising and making it a permanent state of being or the theme of my day, it’s just coming, and flowing, and gone.

Feels good, and different. I mean, it feels intense in the moment, but I no longer label it as a bad feeling, just a healthy release from Inside. Feeling the benefit of some big releases (real eases) in recent weeks, and also that this moment of grief and letting go, allows remnants of moments past to also be released, as much of it is without a clear source and with no thoughts or images attached to it. There is melancholy, but its not colouring everything as much as other times.

 

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When love becomes the Loch Ness monster

There are several people in my life who I tell almost every time we connect, that I love them dearly. Lucky them, and lucky me.

Then there are a few with whom, it feels so, so loaded. Loaded like a gun that could kill us both and splatter our guts up the wall if it misfires.

To be clear, this is not because I do not love them, it is because somehow the idea of  love has become the Loch Ness monster in the room and the focal point of the paranoid paparazzi of past hurts that roam around inside me seeking to expose and debunk it. Love has taken on a mythical status and a hype machine has activated around it. To believe in it, to seek it, to try to capture it, to be sure of it…

Most people have a picture in their head of what ‘Nessy’ looks like. A few claim to have truly encountered it in the flesh, first hand, and write books about it and exhibit galleries of blurry photographs of it. They say it dwells in the depths we cannot fathom, and only a chosen few can take a glimpse of it. This creature is widely acknowledged to be immense and terrifying, but by all accounts benign – despite a fearsome exterior.

These are the connections in which I have felt the most the resistance to offering my humble expressions of love in the moment, fully aware of their imperfection and shades of grey, and the bits of fluff that might have got stuck on them in the bottom of my bag on my way to bring them to you. I’ll spend too long looking at them, dusting them off, and decide they are not sufficient. This can’t be  it, this can’t be enough, this can’t be right.

I’ve deconstructed love like so many castles in the sand. I know only what it is not. I am left with that which the tide cannot take away.

I’m over it now, the hunting and the hiding both.

Here I am, unremarkable and utterly exquisite in the light of day. Here is my imperfect, fluffy love, presented unexpectedly in unusual gift wrap, tossed into your hands like a hot potato as I bolt for the bus, sung in your ear while you are trying to sleep, thrust in your face while you are watching a movie or trying to read, spilling out of the containers you try to catch it in.

There is no shame in it, I have judged it too harshly. Trying to hold my love to saintly, mystical standards, contain it in carefully constructed corrals, make it sit quietly in the corner and hide all its colours under an old coat – for days, months, years.

My love in its chosen expression comes to you like a butterfly or a bluebird. Free and exquisite in the moment. Embodiment of soul. Essence of beauty. Coming to land gently on you and bless your heart, drink a little nectar, bask in the sunshine.

Love is simply me, as I am, when I am open, to you. Just gorgeous.

I recorded this little burst of song on a whim, whilst pottering in the kitchen and feeling the feels. It’s not planned, it is not perfect.  Real feels from me to you. I love you, don’t forget it 💕

 

 

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Into the wild

All this time, did I ever tell what I wanted? Did I ever ask you to take me there? I feel like I did, and I saw you reaching for it again and again with other women. So I figured you must know. Even now you are doing it. And I’m doing it, with other guys, who are kind, who don’t know what they want or why they want me, who aren’t you and don’t know me. There is an external place, and an internal place, at the same time. I know you won’t really go there without me….

I want you to pick me up and drive me out into the wilderness one smiley bright afternoon. You’ll play those songs again and say something cheeky and look at me, to see that I want to bite your lips and scratch my way under your shirt, to eat me up a little with your eyes and act nonchalant.

To pull up at just exactly the hobbity home. To  venture in like wide-eyed children and dump bags of cosy treats on the table to be almost forgotten and then devoured under moonlight in the deep hunger of hearts aflame. We dump ourselves on the sofa, half drunk on the nest of green surrounding us and half drunk on each other.

Then it’s all about sensation and safety, closeness and clothes-off, bare-feet and bravery, stillness and still here. We light a fire and everything comes off. We draw the stars in closer and the darkness over us like a blanket. We tell stories of our hearts with our fingertips as urgent rememberings flow from our lips as violent kisses and ripple through our bodies in unison.

We fight, we flow, we are tender and tearing and tears come and laughter. We tumble from deeply dug-up duck down to soaked grassy banks to fireside bear hugs and tea mugs and messy headed nuzzling and lap-lazing and star-gazing and the silent strokes, affirmative sighs of a world re-aligned.

We go on tumbling from here to there and into and all over each other.  Melting in showers, steam after hours of breathing each other in so deeply and fucking it all out. Right to the solar plexus.

Now you can go and dance over the horizon and storm your path and leave me bright and shining. We are complete and you are beside me as you disappear from view, smiling strong.

Just feel this please, breathe it in like delicious woodsmoked night air, or the way you inhale the taste of my neck through my hair, I need you to meet me there and finish what we started, inside or outside it’s the same place and you know it. You only have to let go and arrive.